On fear of failure.
This past month I have noticed a change in me. I have stopped obsessively watching videos about mental heath issues but instead caught myself actually employing the grounding techniques and life hacks I've learned – and they helped! Who would've thunk it!
By coincidence or because of my inner shift, new opportunities have come my way, completely out of the blue. Of course I was very excited at first about this heightened interest in my illustration work but as more time passed, anxiety managed to creep in:
What if none of the possibilities work out after all? Or what if I cock it up?
Fear of failure, hello old friend. It's a struggle we all know in one way or another. Some of it is rooted in childhood where our naive curiosity is naturally met with warnings: Don't do this, or else! We become cautious and start to ask for permission and confirmation rather than taking action. But we all have our individual reasons as to why we have a fear failure. For me it's the fear of not being good enough fused with wanting to avoid being disappointed or disappointing others.
Indeed, right now, I almost don't dare to admit to myself how bad I want these opportunities to become a reality, to avoid feeling crushed if they don't. But the scenarios we play in our heads are just thoughts. People who suffer from OCD and intrusive thoughts know how bad this can make us feel. So let's remind ourselves: We are not our thoughts. We may fail (verb) but we are not failures (noun).
For me it is of no use imagining the outcome of a future which hasn't arrived yet. All I can do in this limbo state is to let go and trust that everything is as it should be.